A friend asked me the other day if I had any New Year’s resolutions. The first thing I thought of was, “Maybe I need to eat less Oreos?” That may or may not happen. I still haven’t decided. Resolutions are not usually my thing anyway. I’m really good at starting something and not finishing it, so I know better. But as I gave the question some more thought here’s what came to me…
I want to keep my mind in the present.
So much has transpired in my life over the last six months and I am tempted to dwell on it. I want to tell my story. I want you to know my pain. I want my pain to help someone else not feel alone in theirs. But I’m also realizing there is a delicate balance to processing and helping others and becoming trapped in my own cycle of grief. I know I will tell you more someday. I know God has called me to that. But I also know there is a time to heal.
Focus on the healing, not the pain.
It is a small shift because the pain is still there; it still tries to eat away at my progress. But the thing that helps me most, the thing that brings the anxiety down to an undercurrent instead of a death-grip on my stomach, is to close my eyes and picture myself cupped in the hands of Jesus. The same hands that are scarred from dying for me. It is in that moment that my breathing begins to slow and I realize for the millionth time…I am not alone.
We have travelled out of Alaska for six weeks. Many things I am looking forward to on this trip: direct SUNLIGHT again, family time, sister time, enjoying food again, coffee dates with old friends, being at our home church again, creating another year of Christmas memories, walking on the beach, and the healing nostalgia of it all. But what I am looking forward to the most is being present. Focusing my mind on what is right now, not what was or what will be, but the moment I am in right now and how God is using it to glorify himself, heal me, and better yet, using it for his purposes I can’t even see.