Fifteen minutes with Jesus this morning. That was the only time I got to myself today until now. It all started by sitting with the 5th grader and learning more than I ever cared to know about Cleopatra, then I transitioned to sitting with the 9th grader learning…wait for it…the physics behind the archer’s paradox. Yeah, I’m still not sure but I think I steered him in the right direction. The 7th grader happily went about his business with almost no help from me, which is good but sad all at the same time. I frantically scarfed down some food hoping that I would have enough time to squeeze in a shower before it was time to leave for art class, but alas the shower eluded me and would have to wait.
“When will I have the time to do what I WANT to do?!”
Those words were just swirling around in my head. The anxiety about all that I was NOT getting done was building in my gut. The frustrations of the day turned me into ‘snippy mom.’ Every time someone called my name I practically hissed, “What?!” Lately I feel torn between this season that I am in and the passions that God has placed in my heart.
“What about the things that I WANT to do?!”
The funny part about this? The really ironic part? Remember this morning when I sat with Jesus? I spent time in two verses: 1 Thessalonians 5:14 and Colossians 1:11. Guess what word is in both of them?
1 Thessalonians 5:14
We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted,
help the weak, be patient with everyone.
strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might,
for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience;
joyously giving thanks to the Father,
who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.
Patience. You think I would have clued in to how the Lord was preparing me for the day, but some of us are a little slower than others. My little patience lesson didn’t seem to hold up under the weight of being pulled in 42 directions.
“When do I get to do the things I WANT to do?!”
There are those words again. Still lingering there, waiting to be answered, and as I drove home from art class wondering what in the world we were going to eat for dinner in the one hour I had before I had to run in the opposite direction to get the 9th grader to his group on time, the words began say something else. They slowly rearranged themselves, and a light began to break through the fog.
“I AM doing the things I want to do.”
I wanted this. Five years of agonizing fertility treatments happened because the only thing I wanted in this world was a child. Not only did that become a reality, but God blessed us with three of them.
This IS what I wanted.
This IS my calling.
This busy time, it is only a season. Soon enough there will be so much time for me that I will wonder how it all happened so fast. At least that’s what they all keep telling me. Right now it feels like somedays I just want to close my eyes and wish it all away. But do I? Is that what I really want? Nope. I love this little family of mine. Do I have days that I wish they would all leave me alone? YES! Are there passions in my heart that, for now, are being ignored? YES! Does God want me to be anywhere else but here? No, because right here is where HE is. And right here is where He has ME. When I take my thoughts captive and focus on that truth my heart is centered again and my mind is calm. He is my peace, HE is what I want at the beginning, and at the end of the day.